Leading a virtual married life is ethical.
Avvaiyar says : Ethics of life is followed in married life led by man and his wife. Thiruvalluvar also defines the ethics of life, the moral code in life, clearly the same way. Puranic scriptures (Religious writings in the story form) tell us that gods lead family life with children. This indicates that we should also lead an ethical conjugal life to attain godhood.
Lord Shiva has Parvathi as a half of his body. Mahavishnu keeps Mahalakshmi in his heart. Goddess Saraswathi dwells on the tongue of Brahma. Shiva and Parvathi have two children. Murugan has two wives, Deivanai and Valli. Our puranic stories tell us that great spiritual teachers lived with their wives and children and attained enlightenment through family life. From these illustrations we must understand that ethical conjugal life is not forbidden if one wants to reach godhood. The great saints have gave us the same message. We can reach the state of godhood through family life. The great saints like Agathiar too led a married life.
A Tamil saying tells us: There is no manthra more important than the commands of one’s father. Parasuraman, the son of Jamadhagni and Renuka was the illustrious example of this saying. A puranic story says that Anushuya, the wife of Athiru Maharishi was able to transform the trinity of God – Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva – as children. This was due to her austerity and power of penance.
The great saint Viswamithrar conquered himself by removing the impurity called ‘ego’ and was honoured with the title “Brahma Rishi” by the great saint Vashistar.
Thiruvalluvar and Vasuki led a remarkable family life, being appreciated and remembered as an excellent example of married life. Let us recall an interesting episode that happened in the life of Vasuki. Once a saint called Konkanavar did severe penance and got wonderful powers. He wanted to test his powers. Suddenly a crane which was passing far above the saint dropped its facces on the saint. Immediately, the saint was infuriated and looked at the crane. It was instantly burnt to death with the power of his penance.
Afterwards, he went to various places and people offered food and water with great respect. Overcome by the pride and ego (these two impurities must be shunned by the saints) saint Konkanavar went to Thiruvalluvar’s house. He stood in front of the door wanted for food.and at the same time. There was no response and nobody welcomed him with respect. He was infuriated by the negligence of the lady of the house. Vasuki, wife of Thiruvalluvar, was attending some primary duties for her husband. So she could not receive the saint at once. When she came out of the house, saint Konkanavar stared at Vasuki with uncontrollable fury and fire in his eyes. Vasuki coolly responded with the following : Oh saint don’t take me for granted. I am not a crane.
This was how she taught a lesson to the egoistic saint Konkanavar. A supreme rishi “sugar” sought spiritual counselling from Janakar who was a king, father of Sita, and who led an austere family life. How great godhood Janakar must have reached!
Sundaramoorthy Nayanar treated Lord Shiva as his friend. Sundarar, one of the four Saivite saints, had two wives, and both of them were wedded to Sundaramoorthy with the blessings of Lord Shiva himself.
Thirugnana Sambanthar, another one of the four Saivite saints, drank divine milk and was inspired to sing holy songs in praise of Lord Shiva. His songs are codified under “Thevaram” (Garland of Divine Songs). He married a girl born out of ashes and finally he went to heaven in the same human form.
Thiruvarutprakasa Vallalar too married his sister’s daughter. Our forefathers have taught us that one must lead an austere life through married life.
Tamil saints have prescribed duties to all human beings. Their pithy sayings have two interpretations – one will be suitable for the worldly life; the other for the life after death, that is becoming one with God.
This is a special linguistic feature of Tamil. One will not see such a copious vocabulary and subtle semantic richness in any other classical language.
That is why Vallalar identified Tamil as a divine language and it said that it was the language offered by divine father. Subramania Bharathiar sang that he has never seen such a rich and sweet language as Tamil. Thirumoolar an ancient saint – poet says in Thirumanthiram that Tamil had been spoken in all five continents.
Tamil had been flourishing even before the ancient days when other continents were still developing with stones, pebbles and sand. Valallar predicted that Tamil language is so powerful that it would guide us all to realize the God.
In Tamil family life is referred to as “Illaram”. (“Ill” + “Aram”) “Il” means the house one resides in this world . Another deeper meaning is “heavenly life”. Moreover “Ill” also means human body where the soul resides. One must lead a moral austere life to make God dwell in this body permanently. That is the noblest aim of the family life.
Thirumoolar says: Oon udambu alayam ullam perunkoil(both the body and mind are the dwelling of divinity). Everyone must follow this principle in his family life. Once we appreciate the divinity in our body, and follow the compassionate path of life, the God residing in us (in minute form of soul) will become enormous light of brilliance and stay in our body permanently. This is what Vallalar called “ maranamilla peruvazhvu” (The great immortal life). If we ruin our body with evil ways and dangerous habits like smoking and drinking alcohol, then the soul deserts the body which is sick and becomes unfit for divine dwelling. This is what we call “death”. If we want spiritually blissful state, we must adhere to a disciplined life of compassion and love. This is what we understand about family life.
Those who followed this ethical way of family life are the wise people with divine quality. All others will be immersed in the whirlpool of births and deaths. If one wants to escape from this various cycle, disciplined, compassionate family life is the only way.
There is a reference in Peria Puranam (The great epic of remarkable devotees of Lord Shiva) about Poosalar Nayanar. The king built a huge temple for God with granites, bricks and mortar. In the meantime Poosalar Nayanar built a house for God in his mind and started worshipping God. When the king finished his temple, God appeared in his dream and said that He was going to reside in the temple of Poosalar Nayanar. This is how God made the world realize that the human mind is more appropriate for divine dwelling than the temple built of stone.
In short, the human soul merges with the divinity and the mind mingles with the God, doing disciplined penance throughout the family life. This is what Avvaiyar said : family life led in this manner is the best form of virtue.
We learn from Puranic stories that Lord Krishna has many (Gopikas) girls around him. Symbolically, this is not physical love, but spiritual unification of jeevatma (human soul) and paramatma (divine soul). Those girls always had spiritual love towards Krishna, doing their daily duties thinking about Him. This is the greatest state of bliss a human soul can achieve. This relationship is mentioned as “Nayagan – Nayagi Bhava” (God – Soul conjugal relationship). This is the most virtuous form of family life.
We must do penance thinking about various names of Lord Krishna and meditate upon the light in our eyes. This is a unique form of penance.
The great poet Subramania Bharathi referred in his poems about “Kannamma”. Many people will interpret that he had a lady – love called Kannamma. We should interpret the word as “Kan + Amma” (Eyes + Mother). He loved Krishna and realized His presence in all objects. He has realized God through divine wisdom. He was facing many difficulties and there was no one to support him financially. Yet his spiritual experiences led him to the highest level of divinity. He starved for many days and finally departed from this world. He challenged the world that he would live immortal life after listing the following events:
Gauthama Buddha died of disease; Jesus Christ was killed on the cross; Lord Krishna died of a poisonous arrow; Rama passed away falling into the flooded river.
Bharathiar has realized that all of us could lead an immortal life. His undaunted mind had never yielded to any vicious oppression thrust on him or his country. He led a spiritual family life. A super achiever of divine wisdom.
Today many people believe that monastic life alone will lead to God- realization. This is not true. Our scriptures have many illustrations to show that any man or woman belonging to any caste, creed or colour can reach the greatest state of godliness.
A highway man who robbed the public,later on, turned an ascetic and became Valmiki to write the story of Rama called Ramayanam, the great epic of ancient India. One who was after public women, became a staunch devotee of Lord Muruga in his later life and sang many songs collected as Thiruppugazh and it was Arunagirinathar who was finally blessed to become a parrot in the hand of Lord Muruga.
Everyone deserves to be a self-realized human being. It is in the hands of the person who must aspire to become worthy of divine status. In short, austere mind and heathy body are essential to realize God.
We can take another example from the life of Badragiriar. He renounced his princely life, begged alms and fed his spiritual teacher. Finally, he merged with Lord Shiva in the form of divine light. Saivism in Tamilnadu has accepted 63 supreme saints belonging to various castes and occupations.
What do we need to attain the divine feet of light? Mind and body. Human body should be well fed and protected well. This is because the God dwells in miniature form in the body. Human beings, inflicted by the world of appearance (Maya) cannot identify the hiding “thief” in the body. Thirumoolar says:
Udambinul uruporul kandapin , udambinai yaan irundhu Ombukindrene
(It means: after realizing the “invaluable treasure” residing in my body, I have started fostering it.)
We must merge with God, present in the eyes in the form of light, and this unique experience leads us to the divine bliss. Man and Woman experience the temporary conjugal happiness in this world; however, at the higher level, God (Paramaatma), and the soul of man and woman together called Jeevaatma, mingle and merge and become one ,out of supreme love. This is the divine bliss experienced by human soul, the highest form of happiness. This is immeasurable, and permanent appeasement. The God, macrocosm, attracts all human beings, the miniature microcosmic forms. This concept is symbolically presented: God is the superman and all souls are maid–servants of God. That is why Thirumoolar philosophically points out: it is stupidity when a woman enjoys conjugal pleasure with another woman. We may differ as male and female in physical form. The soul (Anma) has no sexual difference. All of them, both male and female are expected to love the supreme being. This is what Hindu religion succinctly calls: Nayaga – Nayagi (Husband – Wife) relationship.
This is the highest form of family life. Such persons will experience the divine bliss. They will have superb immortal life (life of deathlessness).
Chastity (Brahmacharyam) is necessary and obligatory for both worldly family life and spiritual family life. Those who are married must restrain themselves and have sexual pleasure once in fifteen days. This will improve their health. A married person will have sexual thirst frequently. But one must have self-control and divert their attention towards God and focus their attention only on God. This is possible when one practises self-restraint, realizing the significance of supreme bliss. If there is a will, the way is open to us.
“Brahmachari” (Chaste bachelor) is not one who remains unmarried. In the worldly sense, he is a chaste person who has not had any sexual pleasure with any one until his marriage. However, philosophically the word is interpreted as one who is always depending on Brahman (God) with God-consciousness. Those who are in the married family life can achieve supreme state of bliss provided they follow the guidelines given by our spiritually-wise teachers.
Self-disciplined behaviour is the basis for all spiritual achievements. So many monks as heads of monasteries remain unmarried. They are not chaste bachelors. Their uncontrollable sexual desires bring ill fame to their status and the monasteries. If they are not self-disciplined with an ambition to serve people and guide them in the right path, why should they become monks and remain unmarried persons? Why should they cheat people? These monks will never change. Only the general public must identify them and avoid the company of bogus monks. Then only men and women will become good. God alone can save us.
Our culture has taught us that monogamy is the best form of family life. We must always focus our attention on God and this is the highest aim in life. One must have only one wife throughout the life. Man should not have extra-martial relationship. On the surface level, the word kanavan can be split into kan +ava. (Eyes + He). He must be as important as eyes, guiding the wife in the right path. Philosophically the word means “He is the eyes” – supreme God who protects all of us when the elderly people bless the girls, they say: May you be blessed with a loving, caring husband and a prosperous life. All these words refer to the spiritual wisdom. The presiding deity in the eyes (kan) will provide you with all kinds of comforts and peace of mind.
Avvaiyar, who did not want to lead a married life, prayed to God Vinayakar and became an elderly lady. Such a wise saint said these words: If the husband and wife understand each other they can live together (in good times and bad times) through ups and downs. On the contrary, if the wife is non-cooperative Avvaiyar strongly advised that the husband is free to become a monk, without informing anyone.
The great saint Aandal chose to marry the God, indweller of her soul, and staunchly prayed for fulfilment of her holy wish. At last, she became one with God. The saint Meera is another example of a human soul falling in everlasting love with God. While assuming a human body the soul has a male or female form. In fact, the soul in the human body does not have such a distinction. To tell the truth, all souls are expected to have fusion with God. Spiritually microcosmic souls are to be integrated with the universal macrocosmic divinity. This is the primary purpose of births in this world.
One who has irresistible temptation for sexual pleasures will surely be ruined sooner or later.
In this context, Vallalar pointed out: maruvu pennaasaiyai marakkave vendum. This means: lust for women must be shunned completely. The expression does not mean as some scholars interpret that a man must not marry a woman but become a monk. However, we must interpret the expression as given below.
Some people have excessive desire for sexual pleasure. Such people are warned against such inclination and such filthy lust must be completely abandoned from our mind. A line from Vivekachoodamani says: seelai katriya matharai nambinal theruvil nirpare”. This is changed as “Selai kattiya matharai nambinal nadutheruvil nirparkal”. It means: if you trust women you will lose everything and be left in lurches. This is a wrong interpretation. Your mother looked after you very well and advised you to become a responsible person. Has she led you in the wrong path? Has she left her son in the lurches? The expression has changed as days went by. The above expression “Sel Akatriya” means “giving signals to the lusty people through their eyes”. This refers to public women. If one trusts such a woman, she will desert him when he faces difficulties. He will lose self-respect and all his wealth eventually.
A chaste woman will not look at other men with lust. All men will be treated as brothers (except her husband). Vatsyayanar in his “Kamasutra” explains the people about conjugal pleasures and channelizes the feelings to experience the pleasures of family life in refined manner.
A systematic approach to conjugal love will give us a long health life. In order to lead such life one needs self-restraint and discipline. Scriptures advise us to have conjugal pleasure twice a month. Thirumoolar recommends that people can attain the wise state through married life with the help of a kind of yoga which he calls “ pariyangi yoga”. In order to achieve this great state of wisdom one must practise self-restraint and deep love for God. Our spiritual teachers have shown the way to reach God through married life. The husband and wife must lead the family life according to the code of conduct prescribed by the spiritual teachers. Worldly life must be led with austerity; similarly, the spiritual life should also be lived with discipline. This is the highest form of family life. The male or female member must realize that union with God present in every soul is the best form of family life.
The conjugal love between a male and a female is, on the other hand, lower form of happiness. The soul endowed with male or female body seeks holy union with God. This is the highest form of spiritual joy. This truth, when realized, leads one to the highest form of happiness which is true, wise and everlasting.